BROADSIDES

November 30, 2004

Cuckoo-cuckoo-cuckoo
Ed Murrow's ghost is here. I've seen him and talked to him on the third floor of this building many times late at night. And I can tell you that he's watching over us ...
-- Dan Rather, in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter

B. Sides @ 1:12 PM

November 25, 2004

Lincoln Gives Thanks
The Year that is drawing to a close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.

In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke the aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theater of military conflict; while that theater has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.

Needful diversion of wealth and strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defense, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.

Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege, and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.

It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People.

I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.

And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascription's justly due to Him for such singular deliverance's and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty hand to heal the wounds of the nation, and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility, and Union.

In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the United States to be affixed.

Done at the City of Washington, this Third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the United States the Eighty-eighth.

By the President: Abraham Lincoln

B. Sides @ 8:49 AM

November 24, 2004

Never Mind
After making pointless public announcements that scientists were testing for a possible case of Mad Cow Disease, the USDA confirmed yesterday that the tests were negative.

Whew! What a relief.

It's times such as this when one appreciates the eternal vigilance of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Why if it weren't for the USDA's intrepid scientists, we would never know for sure that a threat that never existed poses us no danger. (Only the USDA merits so many negatives in one sentence.)

B. Sides @ 10:21 AM

November 19, 2004

MAD COW DISEASE!!!!! (maybe)
Reuters reports that U.S. Dept. of Agriculture "scientists are chasing a possible new case of mad cow disease in the United States."

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

REPENT, REPENT! FOR THE END IS NEAR!!!!!

Wait a minute ...

Initial tests for the disease, according to government scientists, were "inconclusive." In other words, so far there is no new case of mad cow disease in the United States.

Why the USDA chose to make this matter public at this point defies explanation. Why panic people when you don't even know if there's a reason for panic?

Such boneheadness is symptomatic of mad scientist disease. Or maybe it's just budget time in Washington.

Oh...and cancel that repent order.

B. Sides @ 8:49 AM

November 16, 2004

Marine Investigated For Doing His Job
The AP reports that U.S. military authorities are "investigating the videotaped fatal shooting of a wounded man by a U.S. Marine in a mosque in Fallujah."

What is there to investigate? This is a war against people who booby-trap bodies, behead innocent civilians, commit kamikaze attacks and have vowed to fight to the death. Just because this terrorist was wounded doesn't mean that he was harmless. Why should this Marine pause for even a moment to determine if this wounded punk was a threat? I trust this investigation is nothing more than lip service designed to satisfy liberal-press bedwetters.

I saw the tape and the only thing that I'd fault this Marine with is not shooting the bastard several more times.

Otherwise, kudos to this Marine and all of America's warriors in Fallujah.

B. Sides @ 2:30 PM

You're Fired!
At first I thought the Democrats had found a new way to fire up their base.

But it turns out that the man who set himself ablaze in front the White House is a Yemeni national with a beef against the FBI. A well-done beef now.

B. Sides @ 1:52 PM

November 12, 2004

He's Dead, Jim. For Real This Time.
Jacques Chirac, Jimmy Carter, leftist journalists and other fans of homicidal tyrants are in mourning today over the death of serial killer Yasser Arafat.

The most sickening tribute came from Bill Clinton, who said that Arafat "was one of the outstanding freedom fighters of this generation ..." This is the same Arafat who as a matter of policy directed deluded young men to strap bombs to themselves and commit kamikaze mass murder against Israeli civilians.

In today's Bleat, James Lileks offers a fitting eulogy:

Our paper had this headline: “Enduring Symbol of Palestine Dies.” Personally, I’m old school. I’d go with something, oh, factual, like “ARAFAT DEAD.” Hard to argue. Hard to find bias. I don’t know what would be satisfying, really. “Goaty Old Fiend Expires, Loses Power, Fortune, Bowel Control; Fills Room with Odor of Offal and Urine” would put people off their breakfast, I suppose. I am content to know he is not in Hell. Nope. Arafat did not go to Hell. He boards the ferry, yes; he makes it halfway across the River Styx, yes. Then the ferry blows up. Ten times a day for eternity. For a start.

B. Sides @ 10:38 AM

November 11, 2004

"Those We Honor Today"
Writing in today's New York Post, retired Army officer and novelist Frederick J. Chiaventone contemplates this Veterans Day and the war on terror. An excerpt:

Now we hear on the radio or TV constant reports of how many of our sons and daughters have died in Iraq or Afghanistan — over 1,000. And we hear critics saying that enough is enough, and we should not be engaged and should bring the troops home as soon as possible. But the troops disagree.

When President Bush visited a young soldier in the hospital, he found that the man had lost his leg to a landmine in Iraq — but, when the president asked what the soldier wanted, the young man replied that he wanted nothing so much as to get on with his recovery and to rejoin his brothers in arms as soon as possible. This is the stuff dreams are made of. Sad dreams but proud . . . and praiseworthy.

The arithmetic of combat is a terrible thing. Yes, we've lost over 1,000 brave men and women to a terrible enemy over the past year. But, when you start the tally, don't forget about a previous math problem: 3,000 men and women — brokers, waiters, policemen, secretaries, firemen, emergency workers, janitors, airline pilots, grandmothers, children. They died in this fight as well.

They did not choose to fight. They were simply living their lives and the enemy made the decision for them, and they died not over a period of a year, or two, or three — they died over the course of a couple of hours. Don't ever forget that.

The brave men and women of our armed forces fight — and sometimes die — by choice. Because they believe in the value of what they are doing for all of the policemen and firemen and brokers and secretaries and janitors. They risk their all for us and the least we can do is say thank you . . . and God speed.

B. Sides @ 8:39 PM

Veterans Day
By the President of the United States of America
A Proclamation

Americans live in freedom because of our veterans' courage, dedication to duty, and love of country. On Veterans Day, we honor these brave men and women who have served in our Armed Forces and defended our Nation.

Across America, there are more than 25 million veterans. Their ranks include generations of citizens who have risked their lives while serving in military conflicts, including World War II, Korea, Vietnam, the Persian Gulf, and the war on terror. They have fought for the security of our country and the peace of the world. They have defended our founding ideals, protected the innocent, and liberated the oppressed from tyranny and terror. They have known the hardships and the fears and the tragic losses of war. Our veterans know that in the harshest hours of conflict they serve just and honorable purposes.

Through the years, our veterans have returned home from their duties to become active and responsible citizens in their communities, further contributing to the growth and development of our Nation. Their commitment to service inspires all Americans.

With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our service men and women have made to the cause of peace and freedom around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public holiday to honor veterans.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2004, as Veterans Day and urge all Americans to observe November 7 through November 13, 2004, as National Veterans Awareness Week. I urge all Americans to recognize the valor and sacrifice of our veterans through ceremonies and prayers. I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag of the United States and to encourage and participate in patriotic activities in their communities. I invite civic and fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, businesses, unions, and the media to support this national observance with commemorative expressions and programs.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this ninth day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand four, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-ninth.

GEORGE W. BUSH

B. Sides @ 11:00 AM

November 10, 2004

Catching A Bomb
Ohio State isn't the only Big Ten football program to inadvertently recruit criminals.

Sports Ticker reports that two Michigan State freshman receivers, Irving Campbell and Terry Love, were arrested yesterday for planting three bombs of their own creation near a campus apartment.

I'm pretty sure that's at least a 15-yard penalty.

B. Sides @ 5:54 PM

Sgt. Jason Returns
Oh happy day! Just Another Soldier is up and at 'em again. Check it out.

B. Sides @ 4:14 PM

November 08, 2004

Phantom Fury
Listen closely. Hear that?

That's the sound of hundreds of terrorists collectively crapping their man-dresses upon hearing that the Marines are heading into Fallujah.

I'd be surprised if Operation Phantom Fury lasted more than ten days.

B. Sides @ 1:25 PM

November 05, 2004

Who's Afraid Of Teresa Heinz?
I swear to God, George, if you existed, I'd divorce you.--drunken, obnoxious Martha (Elizabeth Taylor) to henpecked husband George (Richard Burton), in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

Apparently life with the Kerrys imitates the movies. According to Newsweek, Teresa Heinz Kerry was quite a pain in the ass for the duration of her husband's campaign. (Gee..I'm shocked.)

One excerpt:

Kerry's wife ... presented a host of behind-the-scenes drama for Kerry. Early on, the campaign staff regarded Teresa as something of a hypochondriac, and she canceled three trips in October at the last minute, usually for what was described to aides as a "nonspecific malady."

Turns out that Teresa was at her wackiest during campaign rallies and photo ops:

Audiences were mystified when Teresa turned her back to them at daylight rallies and wore dark sunglasses and a hat at night (backstage, the candidate's wife complained of migraines and sore eyes). As they reached the climax of the tour, an hourlong "family vacation" hike in the Grand Canyon, the planned happy-family-vacation was disintegrating in plain view. Daughter Vanessa didn't enjoy being a prop, Teresa was complaining of migraines and telling her husband she couldn't walk anymore.

Newseek also mentions that Teresa prescribed "potions" for various ailments. Her most famous remedy is a gin and raisins concoction which, she claimed, relieved arthritis.

Here's a photograph of the Kerrys celebrating on election night after Teresa's second bottle of arthritis medicine.

B. Sides @ 4:24 PM

"He's Dead, Jim. Well, Sorta"
First he's dead. Then he's alive. Then he's on life support. Then he's in a coma. Then he's brain dead. Then he's not brain dead. And now, according to the latest AP report, terrorist honcho Yassir Arafat is in stable condition.

Jeesh! George Romero should cast this guy in his next movie.

Some advice for Mrs. Arafat. Before your evil husband dies, you may want to make sure that his turban is flame-retardant.

B. Sides @ 2:24 PM

November 03, 2004

Conventional Wisdom Takes It On The Chin
Conventional wisdom has held that a large voter turnout is bad for Republicans.

Yesterday that notion was put on ice. Permanently.

In one of the largest turnouts ever, voters reelected the president and expanded his party's majorities in the House and Senate. Not since 1936 has this happened.

Taken as a whole, America kicked the Democratic Party between the legs. Hard.

And this comes as no surprise. Since John Kerry's nomination, the actions of his campaign and surrogates -- the DNC, MoveOn, The Media Fund, Michael Moore, the Communist Party USA etc. -- betrayed desperation. A presidential campaign with a chance of winning does not ...

... imply that the president was an accomplice-after-the-fact to the 9/11 attacks

... accuse the president of being an agent for the Saudi royal family

... vandalize, burglarize and fire guns at the president's campaign offices

... accuse the president of being a cokehead

... insist that the president's wife has never held a "real job."

... conspire with a news network to forge military documents

... conspire with a major newspaper to report false accusations about missing explosives

... give crack cocaine to drug addicts for filing phony voter registrations

... make plans to falsely accuse opponents of racial intimdiation

... imply that the president caused a paralyzed actor's death

... maintain that paralyzed people will "walk again" should the president lose

... suggest that people will riot if the president wins

... pass out campaign buttons which label the president and vice president the "Axis of Evil"

And that's just a small sampling.

John Kerry never had a chance of winning this election. It was over the moment he stood before the Democratic National Convention, gave a sloppy salute and announced, "John Kerry reporting for duty." It was contrived. It was fake. It was stupid. That saluting stunt was to Kerry what "The Scream" was to Howard Dean.

By dispatching John Kerry's candidacy, a majority of Americans demonstrated their commitment to the expansion of freedom at home and abroad. To put it another way, the fire of the Reagan Revolution burns brighter than ever.

B. Sides @ 2:47 PM

November 01, 2004

The Bin Laden Tape
The bad news is that Usama bin Laden is alive.

The good news is that the arsenal of the monster who carried out the 9-11 attacks and other lethal strikes against the United States contains little more than a poor quality camcorder. All thanks to America's relentless war on terrorism.

If bin Laden and al-Qeada had the means and resources to attack the United States in an effort to affect the election results -- as they did in Spain -- they would have done it. Instead, the al-Qeada leader releases a videotape in which he threatens American voters with terrorist attacks against any state that votes for the president. What's more, bin Laden parrots the same weird and false allegations about Bush infamously purveyed by Michael Moore and John Kerry.

What's it say about the Democratic Party when a terrorist who's sworn to destroy America agrees with them? This is something every American voter should consider.

They should also consider this. The same terrorist leader who slaughtered thousands of people by hijacking four American airliners and flying them into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the Pennsylvania countryside is now reduced to making threatening videotaped rants. And that's mostly due to the leadership and resolve of one man -- George W. Bush.

That fact alone is ample reason to give W another four years.

B. Sides @ 10:30 PM