BROADSIDES

January 28, 2004

Censoring God
According to school officials at Dupo High School, student James Lord is in big trouble for saying a bad word. The Wall Street Journal reports:

Few Americans need reminders about the plague of ill-mannered teens in our public schools. But Dupo High School in southern Illinois believes it has cracked down on the worst: a high-school senior who was suspended as host of the school's daily closed-circuit news broadcast because he signed off a Dec. 17 program with the words, "Have a safe and happy holiday, and God bless." The aptly named James Lord returns to the air Feb. 1, and in confirmation of his incorrigibility told the Belleville News-Democrat: "I can't guarantee I won't say it again."

If school administrators were as focused on education as much as they are on harassing religious students, every graduating class would be chock full of scholars.

But I'm sure the Dupo High administration would deny that they're harassing religious kids. Instead, they'd justify their decision by claiming that James' remarks were a violation of the constitutionally mandated separation of church and state.

The problem with that justification is that there is no such constitutional mandate. Oops!

In fact, the phrase "separation of church and state" appears nowhere in the Constitution. Yet this deliberate misrepresentation of the Constitution is used everyday to abridge a legitimate constitutional right: the First Amendment guarantee denying government the power to prohibit the "free exercise" of religion.

Until the First Amendment is taken seriously again, maybe James should close his future broadcasts by just saying "Good-bye." It is, after all, a certainty that the dopes in charge of Dupo High haven't a clue that that word is a contraction of "God be with you."

B. Sides @ 11:16 PM

Thar She Blows!
Here's a headline you don't see everyday: "Whale explodes".

Drudge links to the Herald Sun article about a 45-ton dead sperm whale that exploded in Tawain while being transported for an autopsy. (I would've loved to have seen the look on Quincy's face when Sam wheeled that cadaver into the morgue.) The whale of an explosion created a gory mess on the streets of Tainan City.

It should be noted that the explosion was due to the build-up of decomposition gases and in no way indicates that large sea mammals are fanatically devoted to the Palestinian cause.

B. Sides @ 8:02 PM

January 23, 2004

Quote Of The Day
I've been on a completely vegetarian diet for three days--nothing but scotch and water. And I don't think I could perform at all sexually. We should learn something from this. -- P.J. O'Rourke, quoted in the Page Six, reacting to PETA's claim that eating meat causes impotence

B. Sides @ 10:12 AM

January 20, 2004

Landslide Loser Endorses WABAC Wesley
When it comes to lousy endorsements, WABAC Wesley Clark leads the pack.

In December Madonna -- the woman who roamed Central Park looking for a man to father her child -- endorsed Clark citing his "spirituality" as a motivating reason.

Earlier this month racist Michael Moore -- who's made millions masquerading as a socialist -- announced his support of Clark's candidacy.

Then, yesterday, the man who in 1972 initiated the Democratic Party's gradual descent into the leftwing abyss pulled his head out of his ass long enough to endorse Clark's bid for the White House. 49-state loser George McGovern said that even though there are many "good Democrats" vying for the nomination, "Wes Clark is the best Democrat."

Apparently oblivious that Clark has only been a Democrat for the last 20 minutes or so, McGovern also declared him "a Democrat's Democrat."

And how many votes can Wesley Clark expect as a result these endorsements?

Three.

Madonna's, Moore's and McGovern's.

B. Sides @ 4:20 PM

The Golddigger Wins And The Spaz Loses
Some expert I am; I thought Dick Gephardt would win the Iowa Democrat caucus. Not only did the Gepper lose big with 11% of the vote, he quit his bid to become America's first eyebrowless president.

Mr. Teresa Heinz née Kerry won the caucus with 38% of the vote followed by ambulance chaser John Edwards with 35%.

The big news is that Howard "The Spaz" Dean came in a distance third with a measly 18%. In recent weeks, conventional wisdom had it that The Spaz had the Democratic nomination locked up. If only that were true! But, as is usually the case in politics, conventional wisdom was wrong. True to form, Dean greeted this electoral rebuke by having a frothing-at-the-mouth mental breakdown on national television. It may be the most hilarious moment in national politics since it was revealed Monica Lewinsky had presidential DNA on her Lane Bryant dress.

Drudge links to an audio excerpt of Dean's post-caucus seizure; give it a listen. It's about as subtle as Hitler's speech at Nuremberg.

B. Sides @ 10:07 AM

Come Out With Your Hands Up!
Lt. Van Steenwyk blogs from Ramadi that a local Saddam partisan will never enjoy the luxury of a manicure:

According to some of the townsfolk, someone was setting up an IED here in Ramadi and accidentally set it off, blowing off both his hands.

Heh.

Wave to the camera, dumbass. :)

(Try not to think about how much your nose itches.)

I think a quote from noted commentator Nelson Muntz is in order here: "Hah! Hah!"

B. Sides @ 9:51 AM

January 13, 2004

Of Nuptials And Nipples
A bride and groom vow to accept each other for better and for worse. This, then, surely qualifes as worse.

The New York Post reports:

A farmer in China didn't realize his bride was really a man until her fake breasts fell off after the wedding. The lonely farmer paid $2,000 to wed the woman in Fujian province - but she refused to sleep with him after the ceremony, complaining she felt sick. Six days later, she tried to run away, but the farmer tracked her down - and as they grappled, the bogus bride's bogus boobs fell off.

I'm no expert but I think marriage counseling is in order here.

B. Sides @ 10:08 AM

January 12, 2004

Huh???
[President Bush] was like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people. -- former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill

O'Neill has had about a year and a half to come up with a good analogy to zing President Bush and this is the best he can do? The analogy makes no sense, and yet the press gleefully repeated the quote over the weekend as if it's a Friars Club Roast-caliber insult.

I enjoy a good zinger as much as the next guy but this one falls as short as O'Neill's tenure at Treasury.

B. Sides @ 9:41 AM

January 09, 2004

Would You Like Fries With That, LardAss?
So far, this Ananova wire report (via Drudge) is my favorite news story of 2004:

Police believe teenage pranksters are hacking into the wireless frequency of a US Burger King drive-through speaker to tell potential customers they are too fat for fast food. Policeman Gerry Scherlink said the pranksters told one customer who had just placed an order: "You don't need a couple of Whoppers. You are too fat. Pull ahead." The offenders are reportedly tapping into the wireless frequency at the restaurant in Troy, Michigan. Police believe the culprits are watching and broadcasting from close range.

Track those lil' geniuses down and give them job at Voice of America. But don't let them broadcast to Israel -- Ariel Sharon is very sensitive about his weight.

B. Sides @ 10:40 AM

January 08, 2004

Hunter The Body Nazi
It's hardly surprising to learn that Hunter S. Thompson has a new addiction. However, it's a shock to find out that his new addiction is physical fitness. The good doctor writes on ESPN.com about his resolution to get fit:

. . . I am turning into a Body Nazi, and I feel pretty good about it. Ho ho ho. Yes sir. Nothing can hurt me for at least 30 days, and by then I will be twice as strong and crazy as I am now.

It happens every year, one way or another, and every year it gets weirder. And wilder and darker and more intense.

Which is pretty damn crazy, on some days, but that is only gossip. "Crazy" is a term of art: "Insane" is a term of Law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble. The Marquis De Sade was born crazy and he did monumentally crazy things every day of his utterly degenerate life… But he was only insane when he got locked up in jail.

More inspired physical fitness advice you won't find. Thanks, Hunter!

B. Sides @ 11:32 PM

"Hillary And An Untouchable Walk Into A Bar..."
While speaking at a Dem fundraiser in St. Louis last Saturday, Hillary Clinton made a harmless, off-the-cuff quip about civil disobedience legend Mohandas K. Gandhi.

And the curry hit the fan.

Fox News reports:

During an event ... for Senate candidate Nancy Farmer, Clinton introduced a quote from Gandhi by saying, "He ran a gas station down in St. Louis."

After laughter from many in the crowd of at least 200 subsided, the former first lady continued, "No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century."

The victim culture that Hillary and her load of a husband eagerly stoked for eight years was quick to respond. Fox reports:

Michelle Naef, administrator of the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence, a Memphis, Tenn.-based organization founded in 1991 by a Gandhi grandson, credited Clinton and her husband, former President Clinton, with long having "supported the Gandhi message." But she said Saturday's remarks "could be incredibly harmful."

Now that Naef has labeled a 9-word quip as "incredibly harmful," what words would she use to describe the assassination of Mahatma Gandhi, Pakistani-sponsored terrorist attacks on India, or the 9-11 attacks? Perhaps "super incredibly harmful"?

Senator Clinton later said she was sorry for making the "lame" joke. That's unfortunate.

MEMO TO HILLARY: Rather than apologizing, you should punch-up and refine the comedy bit. Try it this way: "Remember Gandhi? He ran a 7-11 down the street. [rimshot]. But seriously, I love Gandhi. Hell, if it weren't for the G-Man, we wouldn't have adult diapers! [rimshot]"

And don't worry about losing the Indian vote; you can shore it up by choosing the right running mate in 2008.

B. Sides @ 7:25 AM

January 05, 2004

Thanks For Clearing That Up
Evidently the AP also thought that considering the country involved, a headline clarification was in order: "China to Slaughter Animals in SARS Case"

B. Sides @ 3:02 PM

MeOW! OW! OW!
Given the murderous ways of the ChiComs, the AP should be more specific with its headlines:

"China Orders Slaughters After SARS Case"

Turns out that China's commie regime is killing cats as a matter of policy rather than its own people. That's a refreshing change.

B. Sides @ 12:35 PM

Much A-Moo About Nothing?
The Wall Street Journal's Holman Jenkins offers a clear-headed perspective on the American debut of Rosie O'Donnell Disease:

Scientists are still picking at the mystery of mad cow and related diseases, but we don't mind cheating a bit by anticipating the final chapter. When all the rocks have been turned over, such diseases will be seen as rare and spontaneous occurrences in many species after a certain protein, known as a prion, arranges itself in an abnormal shape, causing progressive brain damage.

Long before mad cow was discovered, humans were known to suffer Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease at a rate of one per million. The low incidence, evenly distributed among human populations, seems to indicate a random mutation rather than infection by diet or environmental contact. The same is likely to be true of other mammals. Not every mad cow, in other words, necessarily "catches" the disease from something it ate or touched.

B. Sides @ 11:00 AM

January 02, 2004

Pull The Plug On The D.O.E.
Drudge links to a CBS report documenting the latest in a long series of breathtaking security lapses at the Energy Dept.'s nuclear labs. Seems there are a bunch of keys missing.

There's a simple solution to this neverending problem: abolish the U.S. Department of Energy.

Thanks to uberboob Jimmy Carter, the DoE was created in 1977. (Hell, that alone is more than enough reason to shut it down.) Prior to that time, what few functions the DoE supposedly serves were handled by either other government offices or the free market. The DoE's website states its purpose for being:

To protect our national security by applying advanced science and nuclear technology to the Nation’s defense ... To protect our national and economic security by promoting a diverse supply and delivery of reliable, affordable, and environmentally sound energy ... To protect our national and economic security by providing world-class scientific research capacity and advancing scientific knowledge ... To protect the environment by providing a responsible resolution to the environmental legacy of the Cold War and by providing for the permanent disposal of the Nation’s high-level radioactive waste.

Applying technology to the Nation's defense? Isn't that the job of the Department of Defense?

Protect our national and economic security? Isn't that the job of the National Security Agency and the Homeland Security Department?

Protect the environment? Isn't that the job of the Environmental Protection Agency?

Advance scientific knowledge? By leaving the doors to our nuclear labs wide open to any and all?

The Department of Energy is a superfluous bureaucracy which is incapable of fulfilling its most basic obligation: protecting America's nuclear labs. As such, it is a national security risk. Though it will never happen, Congress should close the DoE and divvy up its few functions among Defense, Homeland Security, NSA and EPA.

There's a lesson here: never put egghead scientists in charge of national security. The voters did that in the 1976 presidential election and look what happened.

B. Sides @ 11:38 AM

January 01, 2004

Quote Of The Day
My brother Tom is currently serving a mission for the Mormon church in Rio de Janeiro and couldn't make it to dinner. Taylor served in South Korea, Brent served in Romania and my dad served in Austria. I think Jesus is really upset at me for abandoning Christianity, so He has seen fit to send me to Iraq. Thanks Jesus. -- the always hilarious Sergeant Jason, blogmaster of Just Another Solider, describing his family's globetrotting on behalf of the Mormons.

B. Sides @ 5:01 PM

Ol' Yella Belly
Chris Shays, a Republican congressman from Connecticut, told the New York Post that he wouldn't attend the New Year's Eve bash in Times Square because of fears of a terrorist attack. "I wouldn't go to Times Square. That is my opinion. It is one based on the reality that the government has declared a Code Orange ... I wouldn't be flying from Europe to the U.S. in an airplane."

The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto offered Shays a sliver of comfort: "Maybe his mommy can fix him a nice warm cup of cocoa, which he can drink while clutching his teddy bear and watching the ball drop on television. Nah, come to think of it, that would probably entail staying up past his bedtime."

The Connecticut fraidy cat's comment didn't sit well with some New Yorkers. Today, the New York Post labeled Shays a "Chicken Little Politician" and reported scathing rebukes from city leaders:

The mayor pointed to Shoshana Johnson - the Iraqi war veteran who joined Bloomberg to lower the ball in Times Square last night - to challenge Shays. "She was a woman who was fighting to protect the congressman's freedoms," Bloomberg said on NBC. "She was captured and wounded in Iraq. Maybe he should call her and learn a little bit about courage."

Johnson also ripped Shays. "With all due respect to the congressman, I didn't appreciate the comments," she said yesterday. "We were fighting to protect the freedom of these people and it makes me feel like I didn't do a good job."

NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly also blasted Shays, saying his comments were "a classic case of letting the terrorists win ... You can't run your life like that," Kelly told CNN. "I don't know what information he has, [but] it's irresponsible for him to say that."

The Post goes on to question Shays' "guts," pointing out that during the Vietnam War he applied for "conscientious-objector" status. (Conscientious-objector, by the way, is just a bullshit, politically-correct euphemism for draft-dodger.)

If Shays wanted to dodge the draft, he could've made it much easier on himself by applying for a medical waiver. After all, the Army doesn't accept invertebrates.

B. Sides @ 8:21 AM