BROADSIDES

December 31, 2002

Frist's Feline Faux Paw
In this final hour of 2002, America is fixated on the most pressing issue of our time: that Bill Frist killed cats for medical experiments while a Harvard medical student.

This is hardly fresh news. The scoop was first revealed in a 1989 book documenting Frist's work as a cardiac surgeon; the book was written by Bill Frist.

And now, as UPI reports, Psychos for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is demanding that Dr. Fristenstein show contrition by supporting its legislative agenda. Could this mean that Frist will push legislation to provide free litter to indigent kitties? Or maybe counseling services for female felines victimized by neighborhood tomcats. Or a government grant to study why a cat loves to stick its ass in your face.

Is this the best the DNC and its looney front groups can do? They've been busily mining for dirt on the new Republican Senate leader and all they can manage to find is a 14-year-old admission by Frist that he dissected Puff shortly after the cute-as-a-button kitty wandered out of Dick and Jane's yard.

If the Democrats are reduced to using a borderline-terrorist group like PETA to lob dirt as insignificant as this at Republicans, then it should be a very happy new year for Bill Frist.

B. Sides @ 11:02 PM

December 25, 2002

Merry Christmas! Especially to the men and women of the United States military at home and abroad.

B. Sides @ 3:21 AM

December 22, 2002

Old Times They Are Not Forgotten: U.S. Senator and former klansman Robert Byrd of West Virginia has a cameo role as Confederate general in the upcoming film Gods and Generals.

Someone should make sure that Byrd realizes that it's only a movie.

B. Sides @ 1:11 PM

Batty Patty Digs A Deeper Hole: Deeply disturbed Senator Patty Murray has responded to criticism of the blame-America-rather-than-Osama comments she made to a group of Washington high school students by . . . standing by her comments!

Judging from the pissy statement released by her office, Batty only regrets that she was quoted by the press. She opens her response by declaring that she thinks Osama's a bad guy; that she has to clarify that fact speaks volumes. And, in typical arrogant incumbent officeholder fashion, she blames the brouhaha on those in disagreement with her, accusing them of seeking "to sensationalize and distort in an attempt to divide." (You read that correctly. A prominent member of the Democratic Party -- the same party which for the last 35 years has managed to exist only by dividing people into tribes and then fostering tension between them -- is criticizing others for being divisive.)

Murray goes on to defend her anti-U.S. remarks by asking in support-group facilitator tones, "How else can we bring America's values to those who do not understand us?" The cluelessness which exudes between every word of that question has to make one wonder if Patty Murray is aware of the events of September 11, 2001. Or if she's ever heard of the USS Cole or the 1993 WTC bombing or the US embassy bombings in Africa. Patty would do well to remove her lips from Osama's ass long enough to contemplate this question: How is it possible to "bring values" (whatever the hell that means) to people who are killing us?

While Murray struggles for an answer to that question, she should read the account of 22-year-old Marine Sgt. James C. Lowery. Sgt. Lowery, who recently returned from Afghanistan, and his father were waiting in a fast-food drive-thru in Alabama last week when a criminal armed with a gun attempted to rob them. The thief shot Sgt. Lowery in the face. Lowery then decided to "bring values" to the criminal in the form of several .45 caliber bullets. Sgt. Lowery, thankfully, will recover. The murderous thief, thankfully, will not.

That, Senator Murray, is how one deals with a homidical enemy. So save your social worker blather for the local soup kitchen and leave the defense of America to those who proudly believe it's worth defending. Better yet, just resign.

And for godssakes, do something with your hair.

B. Sides @ 9:23 AM

December 20, 2002

But Seriously: What do you call a United States senator who sticks up for a terrorist mercenary behind the murder of nearly 3,000 Americans on one day and many more on previous occasions? At best, Patty Murray is unhinged; at worst, she's a traitor.

The voters in Washington will have a chance in 2004 to send Batty Patty packing.

B. Sides @ 5:51 PM

Psssst....Patty Murray loves Osama....pass it on! While it's not known whether U.S. Senator Patty Murray and Osama bin Laden have actually gone so far as to exchange class rings, it's obvious from comments the she made to a group of high school students in her home state of Washington that she really, really, really admires the al-Qaeda mass murderer.

The Columbian (via Drudge) reports that in answering questions from students, Murray, a Democrat (of course!!), in effect characterized bin Laden as a role model for good citizenship:

We've got to ask, why is this man [Osama bin Laden] so popular around the world? Why are people so supportive of him in many countries … that are riddled with poverty? He's been out in these countries for decades, building schools, building roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health care facilities, and the people are extremely grateful. We haven't done that. How would they look at us today if we had been there helping them with some of that rather than just being the people who are going to bomb in Iraq and go to Afghanistan?

Patty sounds like she's describing her dream man. Does she lock her Senate office door, remove her shoes, put on a 45rpm record of The Shangri-las singing Leader of the Pack and lounge on the floor while thumbing through the latest issue of Terrorist Beat magazine and dreamily repeating aloud "Patty bin Laden, Patty bin Laden, Patty bin Laden"?

I hate to break it to you, Patty, but Osama won't be taking you to the prom because he's dead!

Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!

I felt so helpless, what could I do?
Remembering all the things we'd been through
In school they all stop and stare
I can't hide the tears, but I don't care
I'll never forget him, the leader of the pack

The leader of the pack - now he's gone
The leader of the pack - now he's gone
The leader of the pack - now he's gone
The leader of the pack - now he's gone

B. Sides @ 4:17 PM

The Doctor Is In: Senator Bill Frist, a cardiac surgeon from Tennessee, will most likely be the Senate majority leader in the 108th Congress. Frist is popular with his fellow legislators and, unlike Trent Lott, smart. For more information on Frist, visit his website.

It'll be interesting to see how Democrats manage to demagogue health care issues now that the Senate Republican leader is a respected, Harvard-educated surgeon.

B. Sides @ 1:02 PM

Lott's Out: Trent Lott finally did what he should have done two weeks ago. The Democrats must be disappointed; Lott's departure from the leadership leaves them with no issue other than appeasing America's terrorist enemies.

B. Sides @ 12:24 PM

December 16, 2002

Liberating Trent: On November 11, I wrote that "Trent Lott is one of those congressional Republicans who has an ingrained minority party mentality. Think of it as a political version of the Stockholm Syndrome. After having spent so much time in the minority while serving in House and the Senate, Lott reflexively behaves as a submissive, make-no-waves minority leader -- even when he's the majority leader!"

It turns out that my observation was hardly original. In fact, as Opinion Journal notes today, someone else made a similar point a year and a half ago:

He would prefer to remain in the majority, Lott said, but there is "something liberating about being in the minority," and he and other GOP senators will be "freer to advocate positions and amendments you really think should be adopted." -- The AP, 5/31/01, shortly after Jefford's party switch gave Democrats' control of the U.S. Senate.

There's something a tad ironic about a closet segregationist yearning to be in the minority.

B. Sides @ 8:06 PM

Let the Taunting Begin! Al's out.

Now it's time to make fun of John Kerry. And who better to do that than the great Mark Steyn?

In the Wall Street Journal, Steyn declares that the "Kerry candidacy is such an obvious disaster waiting to happen that it seems a shame to wait for it to happen." So, rather than waiting, Steyn explains why Kerry's $75 haircut is a metaphor for the Kerry presidential campaign:

. . . I can hear Sen. Kerry frothing like a vat of Alberto Balsam on Don King's head: "I don't want to raise taxes. I just want to repeal the tax cuts you were expecting to get but haven't yet. It's not the same!" To which I say: Whatever, dude. But personally I'd save the hair-splitting for Cristophe. By the time you've spent 20 minutes explaining why your tax hike isn't really a tax hike, the only two words anyone's going to remember are "tax" and "hike."

And this is where the hair comes in. A lot of solemn Democratic operatives have deplored the Beltway obsession with Mr. Kerry's $75 hair care. It's much nothing about a 'do, they say; just another of the media's Drudge-fueled descents into gossip and trivia. True, and that's good enough for me. But, if I have to come up with a highfalutin gloss to justify the story, I'd say it's this: The haircut catches the fancy because it seems to cut to the essence of the Kerry candidacy, whose problem as a whole is that it's overstyled. Platform-wise, every strand feels as if it's been exquisitely combed and parted to the finest calibration.

Read the entire essay. It's a beaut.

B. Sides @ 1:41 PM

December 12, 2002

The Rest of the Story: Sure enough, there was more to North Korean Scud shipment incident than was originally reported. The Times of London reports that "the high seas ambush of a North Korean freighter was intended" by the United States "as a warning shot to the regime in Pyongyang."

And it seems that the United States knew what was going on even before the cargo was loaded onto the ship:

Satellites had followed the consignment of Scuds from the time it left the factory last month. They watched the missiles being loaded on to the freighter, So San, at Nampo harbour and shadowed the vessel on its journey . . . US authorities knew they risked upsetting Yemen, a valued ally, but the Bush Administration thought it more important to seize the 15 Scud missiles on board and teach the North Koreans a lesson . . . Last night Washington gave warning that there would be more raids if the North Koreans did not stop exporting such lethal weaponry . . . One senior American official said: “We hope Pyongyang got the message: ‘We are watching your every move.’”

Now that's effective diplomacy.

B. Sides @ 8:57 AM

December 11, 2002

Ted's Meds Don't Work: Is Michael Moore writing Ted Turner's jokes these days?

Matt Drudge reports that at a press conference in New York City, Ted lightheartedly described his up-and-down financial portfolio in a typically crass manner: "I went from no money to a pile of money, just as big as the World Trade Center. Then -- just like the World Trade Center -- poof, it was gone. Overnight."

Drudge reports further that "Turner laughed as he delivered those words."

Memo to Ted's psychiatrist: inject the Lithium directly into Ted's brain.

B. Sides @ 11:26 PM

Bon Voyage: Citing international law crapola, the United States says it has no authority to hold the unflagged North Korean freighter and its Scud missile cargo bound for Yemen. The government of Yemen claims it purchased the missiles for self-defense. The United States says there's nothing illegal about deal and allowed the ship to complete its voyage to Yemen. According to news reports, this information was ascertained when the U.S. consulted Yemen after the ship was seized.

I find it hard to believe that that's all there is to this story. If this is a legit arms deal between two nations, why was the North Korean ship sailing unflagged? Why did the North Korean captain lie to the Spanish by claiming that his cargo was cement? Why all the hallmarks of a smuggling operation? And if the U.S. knew the destination of the North Korean ship prior to the Spanish interception, why wasn't Yemen consulted before the Spanish stopped the ship?

A bit of reckless speculation. If the ship contained missiles purchased by the government of Yemen for self-defense, I think that the U.S. would have either known that fact before the ship left North Korea or ascertained it well before the Spanish intervened. So let's suppose that the Scud missile shipment isn't legal; that it's an attempt by North Korea to arm Islamist terrorists. After halting the ship and confirming its cargo, the U.S. lets it go, publicly claims it's a legit shipment, and then secretly monitors who takes delivery of the shipment once it arrives in Yemen. Seems to me to be a sure way of identifying new candidates for a Hellfire missile attack.

B. Sides @ 2:34 PM

A Friendly Reminder: Just in case America's enemies may have forgotten, President Bush reminded them yesterday that the United States is poised to unleash nukes in retaliation for a weapons-of-mass-destruction attack.

The New York Post reports that the reminder came in the form of the president's "National Strategy to Combat Weapons of Mass Destruction", a six-page report which the administration made public yesterday.

The strategy report declares that the U.S. "will continue to make clear that it reserves the right to respond with overwhelming force -- including through resort to all our options -- to use of WMD against the United States, our forces abroad and friends and allies."

Happy Holidays, Saddam!

B. Sides @ 10:58 AM

December 10, 2002

Caught Red-Handed: The North Koreans, Jimmy Carter's partners-in-peace, were caught shipping Scud missiles to Yemen. Yemen, of course, is a flophouse for Islamist terrorist mercenaries.

According to the AP and other reports, the United States had the flagless freighter under surveillance from the time it left North Korea.

The Spanish Navy -- still smarting from the thrashing its Armada received at the hands of a woman in 1588 -- intercepted and boarded the Korean vessel about 200 miles off the coast of Yemen. Hidden in the ship the Spanish found Scud missile components. Shortly thereafter, the U.S. Navy arrived and joined the Spanish in the search.

When President Bush included North Korea in the Axis of Evil category, conventional wisdom had it that he did so merely to add geographic and cultural balance to the designation and to undermine any suggestion that the U.S. was making war on Islam. Conventional wisdom was, as it often is, wrong.

The cargo of that seized freighter proves that North Korea is making war on the United States and is richly deserving of its Axis of Evil designation.

B. Sides @ 11:58 PM

A Whole Lott of Stupidity, Part 3: The GOP is one step closer to getting a new Senate Republican leader. The Drudge Report just ran this gem:

After a fiery speech by Strom Thurmond at a Mississippi campaign rally in November 1980, Lott, then a congressman, told a crowd: 'You know, if we had elected this man 30 years ago, we wouldn't be in the mess we are today'... MORE... Quotation appeared in an account of the rally on Nov. 3, 1980, in Clarion-Ledger in Jackson, Miss...

B. Sides @ 11:35 PM

A Whole Lott of Stupidity, Part 2: After his sickening proclamation that America would have avoided a lot of problems had Strom Thurmond's segregationist platform triumphed in 1948, Trent Lott tried to shelter himself from the subsequent political fallout with a tiny umbrella in the form of a pathetically inadequate semi-apology:

A poor choice of words conveyed to some the impression that I embraced the discarded policies of the past. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I apologize to anyone who was offended by my statement.

Let's dissect this apology.

Discarded policies of the past? What an offensively trivial characterization of something so evil. The gold standard is a discarded policy of the past; racial segregation was an overt assault on liberty itself.

Then he limits his apology to those who were "offended" by his comments. By doing this, Lott demonstrates that he has no grasp of the far-reaching political damage wrought by his asinine remarks.

Not to be redundant, but the GOP needs a new Senate leader before the new Congress convenes next month.

B. Sides @ 10:36 PM

December 09, 2002

A Whole Lott of Stupidity: In the November 11 Broadsides post, it was asked whether the Senate Republican leader, Mississippi's Trent Lott, has a neutral zone around his head.

We now know the answer to that question.

At a party celebrating Sen. Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday last week, Lott was thinking about Thurmond's 1948 presidential candidacy. In that election Thurmond championed racial segregation as the nominee of a splinter group of racist Democrats better known as the Dixiecrats. When it was Lott's turn to pay tribute to Thurmond, he belched this appalling proclamation:

I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either.

Is Lott actually saying that he voted for segregation, that he's proud of voting for segregation, and that he regrets the rest of the country opposed segregation? Sure as hell sounds that way. Whether or not he meant it the way it sounds, such a statement renders Lott unfit to be the Senate Republican leader.

The question has been answered. Trent Lott does not have a neutral zone around his head; that would be physically impossible since his head is up his ass.

B. Sides @ 9:16 AM

December 08, 2002

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Watch, he's gonna tax the snow. -- A New York City store clerk predicting the purpose of the televised press conference convened by the city's tax-happy, limousine-leftist mayor, Mike Bloomberg, shortly after a blizzard hit. As reported by Peggy Noonan in the Wall Street Journal.

B. Sides @ 7:01 PM

December 02, 2002

Fake Tape Speculation: The baron of bloggers, InstaPundit, points out an interesting theory posed by blogger Joshua Ferguson concerning the much-debated bin Laden audiotape.

American intelligence officials claim that the voice on the tape is bin Laden's but a Swiss research lab claims the tape is a fake. On his blog site, Unfossilized.com, Ferguson speculates on these conflicting conclusions: "My contention with this whole Bin Laden tape issue is that it was put out by an Intel agency (CIA, MI6, who knows) in order to stir up all of the 'Terrorist Chatter' that came out to ultimately catch some more bad guys."

One of Ferguson's readers, Mike G., thinks this theory makes sense and offers some more food for thought: "I'm not one of those people who sees the Bush administration behind everything, honest. But the timing of a Bin Laden tape (immediately endorsed by the CIA etc.) RIGHT after our election seemed suspicious to me-- surely Bin Laden would want to embarass Bush by announcing nana-nana I'm alive before the election? (This was, after all, a speech with plenty of America-specific blather in it.) I hesitated voicing such a thing for not wanting to encourage IndyMedia types jumping to the conclusion that the Bushies did it to rouse the rabble with 'Osama Lives!' before the Iraq War (another theory the timing gave a certain support to), but I certainly would have no problem with the administration pulling a scam like this to catch and/or blow up a few more al-Qwazies."

If the tape is indeed a fake (and I believe it is), it could only mean one of two things: 1) Osama bin Laden is dead and a desperate Al Qaeda faked the tape or 2) Osama bin Laden is dead and the Ferguson/Mike G. theories are correct.

B. Sides @ 3:07 PM